I was surprised to find my grandmother didn’t hate it. Part of the fun of changing my look has always been lightly disappointing my family. Morphing into something just a little too edgy for the older generation. Plus also disappointing them in controlled doses with a piercing or some hair dye feels like maybe tempering them against being disappointed in me over the bigger things. Over wasted potential, or lack of grandchildren, or missing milestones, or or or.

I was even more surprised to find that the first words out of everyone’s mouths were “Yep, that’s so you.” I’ve had long, wild, unwieldy curls for as long as I can remember (barring a brief, misguided phase of straightening my hair because Avril Lavigne was a whole thing), and while I never really thought of them as part of my identity… it turns out they totally were. Sure, I’ve dyed them, cut them down to a bob, grown them back out, bleached them, had bangs and not bangs and streaks and ombre and taken good care of them and not so good care of them and… anyway, through it all, allll that hair was always there. 

And the dissonance is so real. My internal self-image has not quite caught up to my new ‘do. I still picture myself with hair intact, and then remember it isn’t there, and feel sad for a split second. Maybe even a little scared. That it doesn’t look good. That I can’t pull it off. That I’m not nearly cool enough. That I’ve made a terrible mistake. That even though I know better, my gender identity is actually intrinsically tied to having long hair. That there is a correct amount of feminine and I’m suddenly not enough.

But then I look in the mirror, and it’s everything I want it to be and more. The internal oh no gives way to OH YES. And it turns out everyone was right. It really is so me. It might be the most me Me has ever been. Which is wild. I’m the girl with the buzzcut I didn’t think I could be. I’m COOL. (This is patently untrue. I’m not cool. It’s fine.)

But you know who is cool, it turns out? My grandmother. Who hasn’t stopped talking about buzzing her head since I came home with a fade. Turns out we all just wanted to be that girl with the buzzcut we saw walking down the street once.

[Dismantling the patriarchy at 8. Bring clippers. And your grandparents.]


I have been writing and yogaing and having allllll kinds of adventures lately. Well, I have been writing since long before lately, but things got dark for a hot minute there and, well, this isn't Xanga and you don't need my angst. BUT, suffice it to say that I have been gathering stories, and they are coming soon to a blog post near you. Stay tuned for exciting tales, in which I try new things and... embarrass myself mostly. It's gonna be great.